Suggestions for the Cubs and Alfonso Soriano (I wish I was joking).

(Editor's Note: It was the day before the CUBS home opener and I was ripping Alfonso Soriano to pieces on my FACEBOOK for the dropped fly ball fiasco in Cinci, so I have no choice but to follow baseball superstition and continue ripping on Soriano before every game until they lose). I don't understand why a hardworking guy like Alfonso Soriano looks worse than ever playing left field for the Chicago Cubs. I'm not here to run him out of town. Apparently he doesn't run anymore. Seriously, it would be nice to figure out a way to keep his electric 30 homer bat as a power luxury at the bottom of the order---Soriano might be the best 7 hole hitter in baseball---but aside from being the exclamation point at the end of the CUBS bopping order, he's a rally waiting to happen for any opposing team that hits the ball into left. The CUBS need to tell Soriano to let the ball drop right next to him or try on purpose to deflect it off of his mitt. He'll make more catches that way. He seems like such a good guy. I hate to dog him like this, but the sports journalist in me is just stating the obvious. Dude can't catch fly balls. Seems to have trouble with ground balls and bouncers, too. I understand the fear of the brick wall. Maybe they oughta tear the Ivy off and pad that thing... destroy over a half century of tradition along with the aesthetic beauty of the Park, but maybe that way Soriano will catch an extra flyball or two. Even padding the brick outfield wall with something more than leaves, I doubt Soriano will ever be mistaken for Aaron "Crash" Rowand racing back to the warning track and beyond to catch fly ball. Maybe the injury-plagued Soriano is desperately trying to stay healthy because he figures he helps the team by keeping his bat in the lineup. Consider this: Soriano has a hell of a good arm. Maybe he should try his luck as a middle relief pitcher. Maybe the Cubs should give him a try. It's not like a guy needs to do anything more than sling it towards the plate to be a Cubs reliever. Half that bullpen is unclear on the whole "pitcher" concept. It's really not the same thing as throwing, though if Soriano can keep the ball anywhere near the plate, he might easily be one of our best middle relievers. I wish I was joking